Breaking News from the Onion

Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide

Onion News WASHINGTON—In an unexpected reversal that environmentalists and scientists worldwide are calling groundbreaking, President George W. Bush, for the first time in his political career, openly admitted to the existence of carbon dioxide following the release of the new U.N. Global Environment Outlook this October.
"Carbon dioxide, a molecule which contains one atom of carbon bonded with two atoms of oxygen, is a naturally occurring colorless gas exhaled by humans and metabolized, in turn, by plants," Bush told a stunned White House press corps. "As a leading industrialized nation, we can no longer afford to ignore the growing consensus of so many experts whose job it is to study our atmosphere. Carbon dioxide is real."
Because carbon dioxide, which was first described by 17th-century Flemish physician Jan Baptista van Helmont as a gas he referred to as "spiritus silvestre," has long been denied by the Bush administration, the president's speech was widely hailed as a victory for advocates of empirically established scientific fact.
"This has been a major step forward for national basic-chemistry policy," said longtime CO2 proponent and eighth-grade science teacher Linda Mattson. "By taking this brave stance, Bush has opened the door for the eventual acknowledgment that other molecular compounds, such as H20, for example, may in fact exist as well."
Many of those whom Bush has long considered to be his most loyal followers, however, have expressed disappointment with the development.
"There is nothing about any 'carbon dioxide' in the Bible," said Rev. Luke Hatfield of Christchurch Ministries in Topeka, KS. "What's next? Claims that so-called 'fossil' fuels come from mythical creatures like dinosaurs? This has been a sad step backward for our nation."
A White House spokesman was careful to categorize the announcement as "cautious," and reiterated that the president is still not ready to take any position on the existence of polar ice caps, ozone, or a controversial idea held by many scientists and often referred to as "weather."


Nuh uhhh. I simply don't believe it. Carbon Dioxide?

What's in a name?

For me.... a lot. Say the name Umhlanga Rocks and my heart sinks a little and my mind is whisked back to a simpler time. Standing on the balcony of the flat we rented for our holiday watching dolphins play in the ocean, thinking that nothing could be cooler than spending the winter in Natal with my family. Nearly 20 years later, I've come full circle and wish for nothing more than to return to a simpler way of life.

Last time I was at the mission I spoke to an African man who had lived in America for some years. When I asked him if he would like to live there he said, "Oh no, life there is very hard. People there are very hard on other people." So, despite the poverty, the crime, and the diseases, he thought that the better life was in fact in South Africa. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now, looking back, I think I'm inclined to agree with that sweet man.

As my mom is currently at the mission in Natal and very close to the beach of which I spoke earlier, I thought it fitting that I provide a little information:

For anyone curious about the location of Natal (a province in South Africa whose name means Christmas in Portuguese), here is a Map of South Africa.

The coast lies on the warm waters of the Indian ocean whose warm breeze makes the leaves on the banana trees rustle and greedy little monkeys scurry for their food. Locals go to Natal in the winter because it remains fairly warm all year round. The tropical climate here is quite unlike the cape on the other side of country which gets cold in winter and is generally dry and arid.
.

Carb Face

In The Thin Commandments Dr. Gullo (a really creepy looking guy) says that one of the first places we loose weight is our faces. Conversely, one of the first places we gain weight is in our faces. We get what he so astutely calls "that puffy carb face."

By convincing myself that the sweet, yogurt covered gewy things at my parents' house aren't that bad for me, I've gained 3 lbs and a bit of a carb face. Thus, Daniel has to suffer the consequences and be put on a carb-free diet. For 10 days we are not allowed to consume refined sugar in any form.

Egg whites, Low fat cheeses, white fish, vegetables and the occasional fruit is essentially what will be consumed. Hopefully my inner thighs and carb-face will thank me.

...And oh yeah, it might also be good for us.

The Mundane....

After dragging Sam through the heat so that he could crap where it wouldn't upset our sensitive neighbors, I returned to the air conditioning and turned on the tele. My choices appeared to be suicidal suburban moms on Oprah or temperamental Spanish men with messy hair on the Euro Cup. Not surprisingly I chose the latter. I watched Spain score their third goal, drank two frappuccino's and turned off the TV. I've entered a phase during which I ONLY watch So You Think You Can Dance. It's the only real quality on TV these days.

In other news, this girl I barely knew in high school keeps inviting me to play packrat on facebook. NO, I don't want to play some stupid online game with you. It's annoying how many gross people from high school have shown up in the "you might know" section of facebook.

Before we embark on our cruise I'm putting Daniel and I on a diet for 10 days. Although he is only going to eat the dinners, I'm already doubting that Daniel will remain dedicated. Dinners consist of fish & vegetables, soup, or low carb lean cuisines. Dessert is 1/2 a grapefruit and sugar free Jell-o. He pondered one of the recipes for about 5 minutes last night and responded with a very unconvincing, " I'd eat it if you made it."

Anyway, on that note, I should go eat before water aerobics.

Honest to blog

I know I know. You miss my blogs. You miss the wit and humour that only I am able to produce in such a clever way as to interest you for hours...

But fear not readers, I will soon return to bore you with my wise insights into the mundane and not-so-mundane.

In the meantime, here are the latest developments in the life of moi:

I read about 5 pages of Anna Karenina a day. I think I need to read something else while I trudge through this one. Someone should have told Tolstoy to lighten up (I'm partly kidding).

I haven't been able to generate anything interesting recently as I've been busy churning out research jargon for the past month. I have a big paper due tomorrow and then I'll be finished for a month. I'm taking an online class starting in July on using technology in education. Daniel will do my homework.

Mom leaves for South Africa next Saturday. She's going to Jo'burg, the mission and then to the beach near Shaka's rock (so jealous). It'll be good for her. You can take a South African out of South Africa, but you can't take South Africa out of the South African. (Yeah, I really just said that. It's a cliche but a true one).

Mike and Jo will be moving to Baltimore in a month:(

Although they look stunning since going to poodle palace, Sam and Frodo have been behaving like complete brats since returning to Maryland. Sam woke us up at 7:30 this morning wanting to be with us. He needs constant love and attention. Needy Sam.

So you think you can dance...?

Alright Kids,
It's about that time of year again. The auditions are over and the top 20 have been chosen. I'm ready to dance!

Studying for my research midterm.....

As I diligently adhere to my strict schedule of procrastinating and tooling around, I thought I would share some pictures of the items I am currently watching on ebay. Some of them are from anthropologie .

While much of the clothing from this store might remind you of your grandmother's upholstery, they do carry many flattering items that will conjure up your inner earth mother. Not for a pretty penny mind you. I stick to shopping in their sale section.
A

A fun modern art dress.........

A simple evening dress

And a top....